The Lobster Files
by Echidne and Jyestha
Summary: COMPLETE! Funny, fast paced and finally FINISHED! James Potter discovers Snape's secret passion, Remus and Sirius experiment with Russians and Lily is.... well... just read it...
1. Chapter the First

The Lobster Files: Chapter the First  
  
ONE RUSSIAN BRIDE/ 18 YEARS OLD/ SPEAKS FLUENT RUSSIAN/ HASN'T EATEN IN THREE WEEKS/ LOOKIN FOR LOVE  
  
Remus poised his highlighter over the ad. Looks promising, he thought to himself. But there was no picture.  
  
"Sorry, Tatiana," he mumbled. "No picture, no green card."  
  
The door to the boys' dorm suddenly opened, Remus quickly concealed his Mail Order Brides Weekly.  
  
"Yes, Sirius," Remus asked innocently.  
  
Sirius wasted no time with foreplay. "You have to come. Now," instructed Sirius as he guided Remus with his hand.  
  
"But Siry.I can't.not now! I'm almost done!" protested Remus, glancing longingly at his Mail Order Brides Weekly catalog.  
  
"As a Marauder and as a man.you have to see this," said Sirius gloomily.  
  
"Will I regret it?"  
  
"Most certainly," Sirius confirmed, "Down in the common room."  
  
"What is it?" asked Remus, as they were half way down the stairs. Then it saw IT.  
  
"Oh God!" he shrieked as he gazed upon the sight that was the common room. "What calamity could have caused this grief?"  
  
Then he understood.  
  
There were yellow throw pillows on the red couch. It was a fashion emergency!  
  
"Who did this?" he asked angrily.  
Sirius sighed. "Not the couch, dumbass. THAT!" He pointed to the front wall of the room. It had a large photograph of something red and waving.  
  
"What is it?" Remus asked. He noticed the whole Tower had come out to goggle at it. Lily Evans was weeping loudly on the couch. Sirius went over to her, Remus followed, knocking aside the offending pillows.  
  
"Lily." began Sirius.  
  
Remus studied the photo and let out a youthful laugh. "That's bloody hysterical! Who's the idiot wearing a lobster suit and giving a seductive pose to the camera? Why are they tied to a bed post with the Slytherin colors?" He laughed again. "Who would do such a stupid thing?"  
  
There was a long silence. Finally James Potter raised his hand, "I. can explain!"  
  
Lily wept louder.  
  
"What.? What is this madness?" asked Remus.  
  
"It's." James voice broke, "Lobsterphila!"  
  
Flashback (In the wee hours of the morning):  
  
Lily pried open her right eye and sighed contentedly. She leaned over. "Dippy?"  
  
He grunted. "Yes, wench?"  
"Dip.I have to get back to my tower. It's late. I should go back."  
  
Headmaster Dippet sighed, "Fine! Get out of my room wench. And remember; don't mention anything of our top-secret affair to ANYONE! Including your good for nothing boyfriend," Dippet spat, "James Potter."  
  
"Yes," Lily frowned, looking for her bra, "You say that every time."  
  
"Damn straight."  
Lily finished dressing and leaned over to kiss her aging lover goodbye. "Ah.Dip? What's that on your arm?" She leaned forward. "Is your skin deteriorating?"  
  
Dip let out a huge snore.  
  
"I guess I'll never know," said Lily. "Ah, well." She scurried off to her common room.  
  
Meanwhile in the Gryffindor Boys Dorm:  
  
"Oh Sirius," cooed Remus, "I love it when it's just you and me."  
  
"Yes," grunted Sirius, he was busying cleaning up after their evening. Sirius liked circular waterbeds, mirrors on the ceiling and good porn in the VCR. He also liked chocolate, leather and fur.  
  
Remus was quite the cultural opposite. Women found his knowledge of fine wines, his tasteful love of classical music, his culinary expertise, his appreciation of interior design so attractive. Whilst hanging with "the boys", he often wished he were at the Louvre or at least watching some Andrew Lloyd Weber productions. He had the Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat on record and played it until James snapped it over his knee.  
  
Have we made it clear they are gay?  
  
Sirius was flamingly, openly gay. Remus on the other hand, was still hiding in the broom closet.  
  
Sometimes Sirius tried to whip it out of him.  
  
"And why do you love it when it's just the two of us, Remy?" he asked, sipping his Cosmo.  
  
Remus blushed. "Oh, you know. We just have a.connection. When we're together, I feel warm and."  
  
"That's an erection, Remy. Not a conn-ection."  
  
"So, where is Peter anyway?" asked Remus, trying to change the subject.  
  
"Probably having gay sex, like we were." Said Sirius.  
  
"No, Peter's got that girlfriend, what's her name?"  
  
"Winona," supplied Sirius.  
  
They lapsed into silence.  
  
"Do you think she exists?"  
  
"What are you, stupid?"  
  
"Sorry," apologized Remus.  
  
Again with the silence.  
  
"So, where is James?"  
  
"Uh."  
  
Meanwhile, at The Three Broomsticks:  
  
"Are those space pants you're wearing?" inquired James. The woman shook her head.  
  
"No. Why?"  
  
"Cause yo ass is outta this WORLD baby! Yeah!"  
  
"You're disgusting," spat the woman, taking her alien ass away from him.  
  
"I thought it was clever," said the hooded man to his left.  
  
"Hello hoodling," greeted a rather intoxicated James Potter. "How are you this evening. I'm glad you enjoyed my pick up line. Shall I use one on you?"  
  
"No need," said the hooded man. "Can I buy you a drink?"  
  
"Would I have to pay for it?"  
  
". No."  
  
"WELL THEN OKAY!"  
  
The man went off to buy James a drink. It crossed James' mind that maybe this man wanted something more. like sexual favors. James realized he was DRUNK. But he was getting more alcohol, so it was okay.  
  
The Hooded Man returned with Margaritas. "Oh," shuddered James as he accepted the salty drink. "Someone's classy."  
  
"I only have them because it is a liquid with salt in it.like the ocean."  
  
"The ocean is cold," observed James.  
  
"Yes," agreed the Hoodling.  
  
"So, hoodling.gotta name?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Cool, me too." James nodded. "Well, clinky-clink then, eh?"  
  
They clinked their glasses and laughed with youthful abandon.  
  
Meanwhile in the Dungeons of Hogwarts.  
  
"They won't find me here," Peter told himself. "Girls don't like the dark.they don't like the damp.and I DON"T LIKE THEM!"  
  
"Except Winona," he reminded himself.  
  
Peter liked Winona.  
  
Maybe that was because she didn't exist.  
  
Suddenly Peter heard footsteps coming, "GO AWAY!" he cried.  
  
"Peter?" a female voice called.  
  
"NO! IT"S A GIRL!"  
  
"Peter? It's Lily," declared a confused Lily. "What are you doing down here."  
  
"Maybe I should be asking you the same question!" shot back Peter.  
  
"Um. no?" said Lily. "Where you smoking the weed? Or.. Oh! Where you with Winona?"  
  
"Oh! Yes! Yes! Winona and me! She was here!"  
  
"Peter," said Lily kindly. "You don't have to pretend. EVERYBODY knows you're not dating a 6th year Hufflepuff in our Potions class."  
  
"How do you know?" he asked suspiciously.  
  
"We have potions with Slytherin. Also, there are no Winonas at Hogwarts."  
  
"SHUT UP! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING? YOU'RE JUST A STUPID GIRL!" he lashed out, sobbing.  
  
They had found his secret.  
  
Meanwhile, in Prague:  
  
Voldemort cackled with glee as he gazed into his opponent's eyes, "I've got you now!"  
  
"Think again, Voldy," his opponent glared.  
  
"Fine! Go Fish!" Voldemort cried, "I don't have any sevens!"  
  
"DAMN!" cried Voldy's supporter, "I'm losing! I think you're cheating!"  
  
"How do you cheat at Go Fish?" asked Voldy.  
  
"I don't know!"  
  
"You know, sir," said one of Voldy's henchmen; "You should get back to work on the top secret plan!"  
  
"Yes!" Voldy.  
  
"Tomorrow night?" asked Madame Olympe as she gathered herself up. "Tomorrow night we play poker," she told Voldemort.  
  
"I'll have tortilla chips," he told her solemnly.  
  
"And guacamole?"  
  
"Yes. Now leave me." He gave her a very strong, powerful look, complete with the raised eyebrow. "I have to work on the Plan."  
  
"Ah," nodded Olympe. "The PLAN!"  
  
"Yes." He pointed towards the unsanitary conditions and the rats that were lurking in the sewage in his kitchen.  
  
"The plan," nodded the Henchmen in unison.  
  
They all nodded.  
  
Meanwhile at the zoo:  
  
Dumbledore tossed Harold the zebra an animal cracker. "I wonder if this is cannibalism," he mused.  
"Oh well," he resolved. "He's just a stupid camel."  
  
(Authors' Note: Hi. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. The story is going to take place over a series of short clips and flashbacks. Kiss. Kiss. (Only if you don't have aids, herpes or genital warts 'cause that's just nasty. And we don't care if we are discriminating) Love Lindsey and Sarah.) 


	2. Chapter the Second

The Lobster Files: Chapter the Second  
  
Snape sat on his bed, flipping through the photographs. Without warning, Lucius Malfoy flopped onto the bed, scattering the photos. Snape hastened to hide the pictures, but it was for naught--Lucius grabbed one quickly.  
  
Lucius gazed at the photos. He was at a loss for words. Finally he asked, "Is that MY bed?"  
  
Snape blushed. "It was laundry day...I didn't have any sheets."  
  
"What the hell happened?" Malfoy asked, "Or should I ask, how much liquor was there?"  
  
Snape smiled mischievously. "Ever heard of filhenkelo?"  
  
"No," Malfoy shifted uncomfortably, putting aside one rather revealing photo, "what the hell is filhenkelo?"  
  
"Magic Weed," replied Snape fondly.  
  
"Got anymore?" inquired Malfoy.  
  
Snape sighed, recalling last night. "We used it all."  
  
Flashback:  
  
The margarita glasses went clinky-clink. James tossed back his salty beverage. The hooded man sipped his slowly.  
  
"Just like the ocean," said James with a smile.  
  
"I like to swish it around my mouth and pretend it is the angry tides in the ocean," commented the Hoodling.  
  
"What's your favorite sea creature?" asked James, "I like the Chicken of the sea!"  
  
"I favor the mighty lobster,"' said the hoodling. "The lobster!"  
  
"I once ate a lobster," said James. "It was messy."  
  
"I was once almost castrated by a lobster," confided the Hoodling. "That was also messy.  
  
James nodded solemnly, "I completely understand."  
  
The hoodling looked around the bar. "Let's leave," said the Hoodling.  
  
"Okay. Wanna go to the moon?" quipped James. The hoodling smiled beneath his hood.  
  
"I'll want to show you something, Intoxicated One. Come back to my "pad" and I will show you something better then the moon."  
  
"I like the moon," commented James. "I like it so much better than a spoon...but you can't use the moon to eat soup."  
  
"No, you have to use a spoon for that," confirmed the Hoodling. "Or chopsticks if there are lots of vegetables."  
  
Meanwhile in the basement;  
  
Peter rolled himself into a ball. They had found out his secret. Lily gently prodded him, "Let's go back to the common room. Come on, it's alright..."  
  
Peter screamed, "Don't TOUCH ME! AHH!" he began chant, Circle, circle, dot, dot."  
  
"Peter, it wasn't a secret! EVERYONE knew!" screamed Lily. After a moment of trying to convince Peter that his reputation hasn't been ruined forever, she stood up.  
  
"Whatever. I'm going to go upstairs and leave you in the dark...where the evil wombats can get you."  
  
"W-wombat!" Peter whispered. He had to weigh the opinions carefully. Women or Wombats. Women or Wombats. He feared Wombats more then he feared women... He scrambled to his feet and followed Lily out of the basement.  
  
"I'm glad you came to your sense," said Lily in a friendly manner, holding out her hands. "Those wombats are ferocious."  
  
Peter said nothing, but glared at her offending hand. She pulled it away from him and opened the door to the basement.  
  
"Hey Lily," asked Peter suddenly. "Why did you come into the dungeon?"  
  
Meanwhile in the boys dorm:  
  
"Where IS James?" asked Sirius,  
  
"He's probably at the bar, chatting up some young thing and boozing away," said Remus dryly. "You know. Like he does every night."  
  
"This is true," replied Sirius. "But normally he's returned by now."  
  
"Maybe he got picked up," Remus stated.  
  
Sirius giggled, "In that case- maybe more gay sex is in order!" At that very moment the door to the boys dorm burst open.  
  
Lily threw Peter in. Peter was mumbling about wombats and women.  
  
There was a moment of silence. "So, does he come with instructions?" asked Sirius as he gazed at the muttering Peter on the floor. "What do we do with him?"  
  
"Remus!" panted Peter from the floor. "I've...cough... been...cough...infected.I need the...cough  
  
"What does he mean?" thundered Sirius. "What did you do with him?" end  
  
"What did I do to him?" Lily thundered in outrage.  
  
"Why does everyone always blame me!"  
  
"Because you're a skanky whore," replied Sirius.  
  
"This is true," said Lily firmly. "But I'm an expensive whore."  
  
"I need," Peter coughed, "Please Remus! Need the cootie shot!"  
  
"I'll get right on it," he said hastily. He looked pleadingly at Lily's hurt expression. "Darling, I'm sorry. He's deranged"  
  
"Circle, circle dot dot, now you have the cootie shot. Circle, circle square, square, now you have it everywhere," chanted Remus as he fondled Peter's skin making the said designs.  
  
Peter breathed deeply, "Thank God! I was beginning to feel itchy all over."  
  
Meanwhile outside the three broomsticks:  
  
James stumbled. "Whoa! Those salty oceany... things are making me see... lobsters..." James slurred. The hoodling smiled fondly.  
  
"Lobsters," he repeated. The hoodling shook his head and pulled out of his cloak a pipe.  
  
"Oh!" James shrieked in glee, "Let's smoke 'em peace pipe!"  
  
"We gotta be careful," warned Hoody. "This is some strong shit. They smoke this shit in.Vietnam."  
  
"Wow," said James in awe. "Gimme." He grabbed the pipe and he took a mighty whack. "That's some good stuff!" he wheezed."  
  
"Come on," said Hoody, tugging on James' arm. "Let's apparate back to my swinging pad."  
  
Meanwhile at the Zoo:  
  
Dumbledore pulled a monkey animal cracker out of the box. He giggled. Then he pulled out a hippo cracker. "L'hippo a pique' ses pantalons." Dumbledore giggled.  
  
Dumbledore giggled again because he did not know how to speak French.  
  
(Authors' Note: Hi, Lindsey again. This chapter was written over instant messages, we were rather bored and it was too cold to actually get up and walk across the street to each others casa. We are rather lazy. Anyway, hope you enjoy this chappie. Um. blah.)  
  
READ AND REVIEW YOU FOOL! CLICK THE LITTLE BUTTON TO THE LEFT! 


	3. Chapter the Third

Chapter the Third  
  
"So, Lily," asked Peter when he was back to a coherent state. "Why were you in the basement?" He gazed at her seriously.  
  
Remus nodded, greatly interested. "There's nothing in the basement, except Dippet's personal work space and some of the dungeons. What could you have been doing?"  
  
Lily struggled to come up with a plausible excuse. "I just wanted to smoke a joint," she confessed finally. "I was going to smoke one, get a quick high and scurry off to the common room." I'll just leave off the part about screwing the Headmaster, she told herself. I know Remus would never be able to look at me again and I don't even want to hear Sirius' questions. "And now it appears that I dropped my joint somewhere while hauling the woman/wombat fearing thing back to his common room."  
  
Remus and Sirius glared at Peter. Joints were hard to acquire in Hogwarts. Most of the stuff was loose and parchment paper didn't do the trick.  
  
"Peter! You failure!" Sirius screamed. "You lost the drugs!"  
  
Peter whimpered. Angry Sirius was only a little less scary then a female wombat.  
  
"So." Lily looked about the room. "What were you DOING? In here! It looks like a war zone."  
  
"Um." Remus started.  
  
"And what is this?" Lily demanded, pulling out the Russian Mail Order Bride Magazine. "Oh Shit!" Remus cussed.  
  
"It's. um.. IT'S JAMES!" Remus shouted, thinking fast.  
  
Lily studied the magazine. Her voice cool with rage, she said, "So. I'm not good enough? James wants.. A RUSSIAN!"  
  
"Yeah," agreed Remus, eager to condemn his friend. "Socialist bastard!"  
  
Lily's green eyes grew dark with fury. "And what's this? A UKRANIAN? This is awful.awful." She sighed. "I'm going to cry."  
  
"No, don't cry," said Remus urgently. "Then I'll feel bad."  
  
"MY BOYFRIEND WOULD RATHER HAVE A COMMUNIST BITCH NAMED TATIANA OVER ME!" she yelled, sighing. "I don't understand why he's so upset. A lot of girls don't like to swallow."  
  
Sirius looked uncomfortably at Remus. "Really?"  
  
Lily wasn't listening, "I need to get out of here!"  
  
"Where are you going?" asked Peter, so he would not be there.  
  
"Dippet!" Lily screamed. "I'm going to FUCK THE HEADMASTER!"  
  
"Um.. Lily." Remus said. "If I say something promise not to de-ball me?"  
  
"NO!" Lily shrieked.  
  
"Well.. Dippet. he's old," Remus said calmly. "And that's gross. So don't screw Dippet. He might die on you."  
  
"I'm going to screw him like an electric screwdriver," swore Lily vehemently. She stormed out of the room, leaving Sirius looking at Remus.  
  
"The magazine's not James," he stated.  
  
Remus nodded. "No."  
  
"This amuses me." Siriuis pondered for a moment while Peter looked on in horror. "We should order one."  
  
Remus nodded. "They come with free sportswatches!"  
  
"Sweet! How soon do they come?"  
  
"Well, let's call trusty Fedex."  
  
Meanwhile at the Swinging Pad:  
  
"This is my swinging pad," announced the Hoodling.  
  
James nodded in his stoned stupor. "I can tell by the aquatic theme, my good man." He studied the room closer. "Is this a Slytherin dorm?" he asked.  
  
"And what if it is?" demanded Hoody, as he started mixing more salty drinks, popping the JAWS soundtrack into his boombox.  
  
James shrugged. "I know a couple Slytherins."  
  
Hoodling snarled. "Have some more filhenkelo." He pushed the pipe closer to his stoned friend.  
  
"Sure!" James was never one to turn down drugs. "So.Hoodling."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"There's.a lobster suit hanging on your closet."  
  
"So there is," Hoody gave James a seductive look. "Would you. like to try it on?"  
  
"Well Jolly Gee!" James swaggered over to the red suit. "I'd love to!"  
  
Hoody giggled in an..tici.pation! He drowned down one more drink. "This is starting to get really sexy!"  
  
"Oh yeah!" James commented as he pulled the claws over his hands. He remained facing the closet wall. "Shall I.turn around, my shrouded comrade?"  
  
"One second!" sang Hoody, fumbling for his camera. Aiming the Polaroid, he beckoned. "Now, my dear crustacean friend!"  
  
James turned around and pouted.  
  
"I have to tell you a secret." Said the intoxicated Hoodling.  
  
"Tell!" squealed James.  
  
"I.. I have fantasies about.. I'm a lobsterphiliac!" confessed the masked man.  
  
"What's that?" asked James, sitting down on the bed. He noticed the chains hanging from the four- poster bed.  
  
"Lobsterphilias? Well. we get turned on my.. Well, sea creatures, but mostly Lobsters!"  
  
"Um, dude," James stated. "That wasn't a secret."  
  
"No?"  
  
James shrugged. "I kinda figured it out.making me try on a lobster suit.making tons of references to angry tides of the ocean.your story of being almost castrated by a lobster."  
  
Hoodling stiffened. "That is not something to joke about." He gripped his camera tighter. "May I.take a picture? For my scrapbook?"  
  
James considered, "HELL YEAH!"  
  
"Oh!" The Hoody giggled. "This is so hot! I mean, most of the time I have to tie up my subjects but. I'm glad you're so open to this!"  
  
"Make sure you send me a copy of this!" James laughed, laying amist the chains on the green Slytherin sheets.  
  
"Great," smiled Hoodling, snapping a picture. "Super."  
  
Meanwhile in Prague:  
  
"Voldermort, is it a good idea to lick the envelope with the bubonic plague in it?" asked his Henchmen, Vlad.  
  
Voldemort paused mid lick. "Aw, shit!" he exclaimed, running for some mouthwash.  
  
Upon this return, Voldie demanded, "You lick it!"  
  
Vlad was use to this request, but he had major problems performing this time. He knew in that large manila envelope, was the deadly bubonic plague. The night before Voldie discovered one of his flea-infested rats was carrying the disease. It was only a matter of hours before the whole rat family had the black death. And depending on the Czechoslovakian Owl Service, only a short time before that blasted Headmaster began to further deteriorate.  
  
The first envelope didn't work. A little rash, nothing some Oil of Olay couldn't cure. Not that Dippet knew the wonders of moisturizing and exfoliation.  
  
And now Volide was asking Vlad to lick the container of the most deadly envelope in the world.  
  
"Okay!" said Vlad.  
  
Voldermort let out an evil laugh. "Have a cracker," he invited the henchmen. "But not the tiger shaped one."  
  
Vlad nodded. "Never the tigers."  
  
Meanwhile, at the Zoo:  
  
Il faut que la cochon mange," declared Dumbledore, throwing some more animal crackers to the speckled pigs. "They get hungry too."  
  
Albus looked around the zoo. He had already freed the owls.the tigers, the lions, the bears, the snakes, the apple trees.But he didn't like pigs.  
  
"If I let you go, you will be made into pork rinds," he told them.  
  
Suddenly Dumbledore's arch-nemsis, Lord Voldie approached--- riding a tiger.  
  
A/N:  
Um.. it's snowing! This story is almost over. Maybe another chapter or two, whatever. See you guys next week!  
Thanks for reading!  
  
Review! Purty please! With a cherry on top! We are feeling sort of rejected. Be a pal. FOR THE LOVE OF JASON BOND! REVIEW! -Love Linz&Z 


	4. Chapter the Fourth

Chapter the Fourth:  
  
James had never slept more soundly than that night in the Hoodling's bed. True, his lobster suit was a little awkward to sleep in.. but it was a pleasant feeling.  
  
He awoke to the sounds of loud singing in the shower.  
  
"Under the sea! Under the sea! Darling, it's better, down where it's wetter." sang the Hoodling.  
  
James' head was pounding. He felt like he had been hit with a dump truck. He rose from the bed, removing his headpiece and laying it on the chair.  
  
He knocked on the bedroom door, "Um. Hoody, Right?"  
  
The door opened, the hoodling stood in the doorframe with a towel concealing his features.  
  
"Hello Lover," giggled the Hoodling. "Great night. Need a shower?"  
  
"What the fuck happened?" James demanded. He was having trouble concentrating in the bright morning light.  
  
The Hoodling smiled slyly. "Let's say we engaged in some risky behavior."  
  
"Shit!" cursed James. "This is bad! Very bad!" He waved his claws angrily.  
  
"What?" questioned Hoody, turning his back to James as he brushed his teeth. "It wasn't good for you?"  
  
"I don't remember! I was more stoned than.Stonehenge!" cried James. "Why am I in a lobster suit?"  
  
Hoodling still did not turn around. "You honestly don't remember?"  
  
James shook his head. And that hurt.  
  
Angry rose in the Hoodling's voice. "Nothing? You don't remember all the amazing love making. all the secrets we shared? The lobsterphilla James! Remember!"  
  
"Um.. No?" James replied.  
  
The Hoodling whirled around, angst and rage inundated his features, "GET OUT!"  
  
"Snape?"  
  
Dippet's Quarters:  
  
Dippet awoke to the pecking on his window. He stepped over Lily's passed out form and opened the window as the Horned Owl flew in with a large manila envelope.  
  
"From Czechoslovakia, eh?" wheezed the old man. "Presents from the Bohemians?"  
  
The owl ignored him and settled on top of Lily's head.  
  
"Mm geoff," she muttered rolling over. Dippet began to open the envelope with trembling hands.  
  
Suddenly, the door to the dungeon opened. "What the hell?" exclaimed Dippet.  
  
A young, girlish Prof. McGonagall raced in. "Headmaster, we've got a situation in the Great Hall."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"It would appear that two of our students decided it was time for them to get married and.. they ordered Russian brides," she finished lamely.  
  
"What's this about a wedding?" asked Lily, rolling over.  
  
"Weddings? I love weddings!" exclaimed Dippet. "Drinks all around!"  
  
"Miss Evans?" asked Prof. McGonagall; she felt hot rage building up. Lily was her ho. Lily had made several visits to McGonagall's private chambers for "extra credit."  
  
"Hi Professor," said Lily dully, searching for her bra. "I'll be gone in a minute."  
  
"See that you are," declared McGonagall. "And Dippet? What shall we do with the Russians?"  
  
Dippet grunted. "Lily, fetch the grooms. You probably know who they are."  
  
Gryffindor Quarters:  
  
"Sirius, can I borrow some of your "Big Strong Man" cologne? I want to impress my fiancée with my manly musky odor," explained Remus as he combed his hair.  
  
"No problem!" exclaimed Sirius as he stepped into his red silk boxers. He tossed the cheap Wal-Mart brand cologne to his friend.  
  
"Look.Sirius, I know that we haven't always been close but, well."Remus began to stutter. "Would you like to be my best man?"  
  
"Are you imply an orgy in the future?"  
  
Remus sighed in relief, "I didn't want to be the one to bring it up, but. if you insist!"  
  
The door to the boys' dorm smashed open. It was Lily. "Where the fuck is James!" she demanded. "I know that he's going to be marrying that Russian whore today! I have to stop the wedding!"  
  
"Um.." Remus looked at Sirius.  
  
"I think he went that way," suggested Sirius, pointing down the hall.  
  
Lily smiled. "You guys are the best," she said tearfully. "What would I do without you?"  
  
"You don't have to worry about that," said Remus. "You look like you could use a hug."  
  
Lily nodded.  
  
"Or an orgy?" suggested Sirius.  
  
"I'll consider it," replied Lily running out of the room to find her estranged boyfriend.  
  
In Snape's Room:  
  
"SNAPE?" repeated James. "SNIEVILLUS? SNIVELY?"  
  
"Get out," said Snape coldly. "And not a word to anyone."  
  
"This is disgusting," moaned James. "That was YOU?"  
  
"GET OUT!" screamed Snape, tears forming at his eyelids. Another lover had rejected him. "GET OUT AND NOT A WORD!"  
  
"I'll keep my side if you keep your promise!"  
  
"ARGHH!" Snape threw bottle of baby lotion at James' head. "And leave the suit!"  
  
James quickly retreated after an onslaught of bathroom products flew at his head.  
  
He removed the suit, slowly and left the room. He closed the door softly and began the long march to his Gryffindor quarters.  
  
"Think, Jimbo! Think!" he said to himself. "I was at the bar.. hitting on some girl and Hoodling offered me a drink. And then.we talked about the ocean." He stopped and images flooded back to him. "Oh, shit."  
  
He stood there for a few minutes until a hard SMACK landed on his face.  
  
"WELL!" thundered Lily, sobbing. "What have you got to say for yourself?"  
  
"Well, first of all.ow." James rubbed his jaw, "second of all. ow."  
  
"I trusted you James, and this is the thanks I get!" Lily demanded.  
  
It was then James snapped. It had been a long night, "You're a HOOKER! SHUT UP!"  
  
"Who are you calling a hooker? You're covered in.are those teeth marks?"  
  
James rubbed his neck. "You couldn't understand."  
  
"Of course I could understand kinky sex. Who else could understand it better? I don't care who you screw! As long as I get some!" she started to cry. "As long as it's not a socialist!"  
  
"What the HELL are you talking about?" demanded James. He was hungover; his cheek hurt, the sun was bright.  
  
Lily was gone.  
  
"Snape's a socialist?!" he cried.  
  
In the Gryffindor Quarters: "Dum, dum, dum," Sirius hummed the wedding march. "Dum, DUM DA DUM!"  
  
"Sirius, you've got your tie crooked!" cried Remus. "We cannot have that!" He scrambled to his friend and smothered the tie, fixing the creases. "There. Perfect."  
  
"Remus.d'you think she'll like me?" asked Sirius uncertainly.  
  
"You bought her and gave her a green card," Peter hissed from his perch on the edge of his bed. "I think she'll like you!" Peter paused. "I would like you to know I am NOT sleeping in the same room as those. Russian tarts!"  
  
"Good!" said Sirius. "You can move out!"  
  
"Alright," said Remus, taking one final look in the mirror. "Are we ready for our Russians?"  
  
"I think so!" said Sirius.  
  
"Do you understand me!" cried Peter. "No more late night pow-wows! Nothing! I'll move out!"  
  
Sirius and Remus opened up the door. Sirius offered Remus his arm and they began to march.  
  
"You hear? NO MORE FONDUE!" cried Peter.  
  
In the Great Hall:  
  
"I've never been more confused in my entire life," said James to himself as he simply sat down in the middle of the Great Hall, rubbing his sore jaw.  
  
He searched his pockets until he found a piece of parchment. "I need to make an.outline," he told himself. "The sequence of events."  
  
Go to bar.  
  
Hoodling buys me a drink  
  
Lobster suit  
  
Screwing like Bunnies  
  
Snape  
  
Something about a socialist  
  
James regarded his list before folding it up. "This doesn't really clear  
anything up."  
  
He looked up at the Grand Entrance to Hogwarts. McGonagall and Dippet were sitting down with two strangers.  
  
"I'm not even going to move," he told himself. "It'll just give me a headache."  
  
It was then; a swarm of folk entered the Great Hall.  
  
"Oh Bloody Hell!" James cussed. "What now?"  
  
It looked like.. A wedding?  
  
"What's going on?" James demanded, grabbing a boy passing by.  
  
"Didn't you hear?" the boy asked impatiently. "These guys got some  
Russians  
and are getting married!"  
  
"WHAT!"  
  
"James!" exclaimed Remus, as he bounded down the stairs. "You came!"  
He and Sirius floated down to him.  
  
"Can you explain? I'm feeling kind of faint."  
  
"Check out the watch!" exclaimed Sirius. "It came with my fiancée."  
  
"Nice watch," mumbled James. "The time's wrong."  
  
"No, it's still on Moscow time."  
  
"By the way, who's your fiancée?"  
  
Remus clapped his hands in glee. "Oh! We simply must all get  
acquainted. I think mine's the one on the left."  
  
The two guys pulled James up and wandered over to the girls.  
  
"This is Natasha," introduced Sirius. Natasha smiled coquettishly.  
"She hasn't eaten in three weeks."  
  
"This is.um.Susan," said Remus.  
  
"Susan?"  
  
"Something like that. I wasn't really listening," he finished lamely.  
"She was cheap."  
  
"Sflkjsdlkfjsdlkfjdskljf!" giggled Susan.  
  
"LsjflksdjflksdfnmnvcbnmvnbWO." Natasha agreed.  
  
"Aren't they lovely?" asked Remus proudly.  
  
"And. you're getting married?" asked James. He was beginning to feel  
like he was having trouble breathing.  
  
Snape's Quarters:  
  
Snape sat on his bed weeping. He was staring dreamily at the pictures  
in front of him.  
  
How could he just let James walk out like that? It was all his fault.  
He should have tried to prepare him.  
  
His promise. oh. he'd keep his promise to that whore man that broke  
his heart.  
James had requested a copy of the portrait. Snape grinned evilly. He'd  
be happy  
to give him a picture.  
  
Dippet's Quarters:  
  
Blind with tears, Lily stumbled in Dippet's bedroom. "How could this  
happen!" she cried to the owl. "We've always connected so well! I thought  
we really had something! But I guess I was nothing more than a bit of  
capitalist fun," she added  
bitterly.  
  
The owl said nothing (duh) and pecked once more at the envelope.  
"What's this?" asked Lily. In her state, she seemed to have forgotten  
that owls couldn't speak. "No, I don't think I'm going to open this."  
  
The owl nudged it closer. "No!" cried Lily. "STOP PRESSURING ME! I  
cannot deal with this!"  
  
The owl kept pushing it closer.and closer.and closer.. and close.  
  
"STOP IT!" screamed Lily, seizing the envelope. She reached into her  
pocket and pulled out a lighter. Shrieking with rage, she set the  
envelope on fire. "TAKE THAT  
JAMES!"  
  
Prague:  
  
"Alas Voltaire. We meet again," said Dumbledore.  
  
"Volde-MORT, you fool." The Dark Lord screamed, getting off his tiger.  
"We go over this EVER fucking time I fight you! VOLTAIRE WAS A VERY, VERY  
STUPID MAN WHO WROTE CANDIDE!"  
  
"Voltaire. prepare to die!" Dumbledore shouted.  
  
"What are you going to do, my poor decrepit friend?" taunted  
Voldemort. "I've already began my attack on England through  
bioterrorism!"  
  
"Have you?" snapped Dumbledore. "I believe your owl friend.FAILED!"  
  
"It doesn't matter-Dippet's already infected."  
  
"Who cares? He's going to die any minute anyway!"  
  
Voldemort paused. "That's an excellent point."  
  
Dumby stopped. "Look, Toby-Mind if I call you Toby?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Anyway, Toby," continued Dumbledore. "The same thing happens  
EVERYTIME you challenge me to a duel. We exchange insults, we throw  
spells at each other, you get knocked unconscious or something, I fly  
away.why can't we just play cards or something tonight?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I'm at the ZOO. I'm here to have FUN. Not to fight the Dark Master!  
Bator," Dumbledore added.  
  
"Well, since you put it that way." Voldemort thought for a moment. "I  
guess I can blow out the old torch for a night," he said grudgingly.  
  
"Awesome!" exclaimed Dumbledore "Can you play Monopoly?"  
  
"Only if I can be the boot!"  
  
A/N-We don't understand either. 


	5. Chapter the Fifth

Lily sat with the ashes on the envelope on her lap. She started weeping again. She had been doing a lot of this lately. She had to do something! She just didn't think she could go see her boyfriend get married. It was too much for her to handle!  
  
The ashes of the envelope were mixed with something strange and gross looking. She gathered up the mess she made and flushed it down the toilet.  
  
Lily had unknowingly saved the world.  
  
In the Great Hall:  
  
"So, James! Now that you're here, we have a variety of functions you can serve at our weddings," began Remus. "We are planning on being each other's best men.but now that you're here, you can do that! Our brides also don't have anyone to give them away."  
  
"Yeah. Will you be a pal and be Father of the Brides?" asked Sirius.  
  
James closed his eyes briefly. "Sure. Whatever."  
  
Remus exchanged a look with Sirius. "You see, Jimmy.we have another favor."  
  
"It's kind of complicated."  
  
Great, thought James. I really need a drink. "What?"  
  
"Well, we had hoped Lily would be our bridesmaids.but she doesn't know we're getting married."  
  
"No?"  
  
"She found our catalog and.drew her own conclusions," said Remus lamely.  
  
"With no help from us," chimed in Sirius.  
  
Remus nodded. "She was very eager to condemn you."  
  
"ME?" thundered James.  
  
"Yeah. You see.she thinks this is your wedding."  
  
James fainted.  
  
Lily Cam:  
  
Lily stumbled into the common room. It was dark and empty, like her life. Everyone was going to- she started sobbing again. Everyone was gone, expect-  
  
"Who's there?!" she demanded. Someone was moving.  
  
"No one of importance," a voice whispered. "Just let us be on our way."  
  
"Snape?" she asked. "Why are you in my common room?"  
  
"Say nothing to anyone! You didn't see me here!"  
  
Lily smiled. "You don't have to worry about my telling anyone. I'm here to kill myself."  
  
"Oh. Well, no worries then."  
  
There was a long silence and Lily heard Snape moving about.  
  
"Don't you care why I'm going to kill myself?" Lily snapped.  
  
"Um. not really," Snape confessed.  
  
"Asshole!" Lily fumed. "And I was thinking about letting you be my. last."  
  
"What? And give me some strange oozey disease. no thanks!" grimaced Snape.  
  
"I'm going to go play some Indigo Girls and slit my wrists!"  
  
"Take your time!" Snape waved her away.  
  
"What are you doing, anyway?" asked Lily.  
  
"Would you like to see, it's precious to me.. Very precious."  
  
Lily moved closer to the wall where Snape was working. Then she screamed.  
  
In the Great Hall:  
  
"Dearly Beloved," began Dippet, wheezing slightly. James was propped up on Sirius' shoulders. "We are gathered here today to witness the."  
  
"Wait one second," interrupted Remus. He held out his wrist. "My battery is dead!"  
  
"WHAT?" demanded Sirius, jerking spasmodically. James flopped to the floor. He gazed at his own watch. "You're right! It's been six o'clock for an entire hour!"  
  
"Stop this ceremony immediately," demanded Remus. "This sports watch is defective-I take no bride!"  
  
"I second that motion!" said Sirius, nodding earnestly.  
  
He and Remus linked arms and stormed out of the room while a hint of drool leaked out of James' mouth.  
  
Russian Cam:  
  
Natasha sobbed into Susan's arms. "Where did we go wrong? Our green cards, our precious green cards!"  
  
Susan pushed Natasha away, "Get up Natasha! Stop crying over the British bastards, we'll make them pay!"  
  
Snape Cam:  
  
Snape crept stealthily out of the common room, leaving Lily sobbing on the couch. "What a strange girl," he pondered.  
  
He was on the way towards his own common room when he bumped into two more Gryffindors.  
  
"Greetings, Snievelous," said Sirius haughtily. "How does it go?"  
  
"It goes," replied Snape just as stiffly.  
  
"As should you," quipped Remus.  
  
"That doesn't make sense."  
  
"Does too!" Sirius spat back. "Get lost!"  
  
Snape started down the hall. Then he stopped, "Not that I care, but, err. see James lately?"  
  
"He's in the Great Hall taking a nap," Remus called over his shoulder. "Don't bother him."  
  
Back in the Great Hall:  
"He's been unconscious for almost a half hour. Ought we try to rouse him?" mused McGonagall as she gave James a kick.  
  
"Why?" asked Dippet. "I actually prefer him this way."  
  
McGonagall suddenly pictured having the unconscious James in her chambers for some.extra credit. "You may be right," she agreed.  
  
James chose that inopportune moment to wake himself. "Erlack," he growled. "I'm still confused."  
  
"Want me to fill you in?" asked a random stranger.  
  
"PLEASE!" wailed James.  
  
The boy considered for a moment. "Well, Lily thought you were marrying the Socialists, so she's in the common room about to commit suicide. Snape has posted the picture of you in the lobster suit in the common room, Sirius and Remus's watches were defective, so they jilted the Russians."  
  
". The sport watches were defective?" James cried. "Wait! Lily's committing suicide and Snape posting the horrific picture! I must. do something!"  
  
"Yes!" the boy nodded urgently. "You better go do that!"  
  
"How do you know this?" James asked.  
  
"Uh.."  
  
James had no time for explanations-this was his time to summon that Gryffindor bravery and do.that something that would make everything right. Hm.he could go into the common room and comfort Lily, but that would involve seeing the picture. And that would be embarrassing, so that option was out.  
  
"Maybe if I use my animagus powers to become a Stag." he thought. "No. a stag rooming the hall of Hogwarts would look suspicious. So what to do?"  
  
He mused some more. "Perhaps if I turn into a stag and comfort Lily in STAG form.they don't call me Prongs for nothing!"  
  
The boy approached him once again. "You have to get over the Stag thing. Just do it already. Summon the forces and whatnot."  
  
James nodded, disgruntled. "If only I had my Invisibility Cloak!"  
  
"Oh, this Invisibility Cloak?" asked the boy, holding up James' invisibility cloak.  
  
"This is incredible! How did you get this? Are you.magic?"  
  
"No, I raided your room."  
  
"Oh.. Well. then this is a good thing!"  
  
"I suppose."  
  
"Off to Save Lily!!!" James cloaked himself and ran towards his lover.  
  
In the Halls of Hogwarts:  
  
Remus and Sirius crept up the stairs, refusing to make eye contact with anyone in their shamed and disgruntled state.  
  
"Look at those two desperate Gryffindors," the other students snickered. "They ordered Russian brides who came with watches that DIDN'T EVEN WORK!" And then they pointed and laughed at them.  
  
"Sirius, I'm think we should be avoiding the common room and should just run into our quarters," said Remus miserably. "I cannot face Lily. We LIED to her!" He buried his face in Sirius' shoulder. "We're bad, bad men."  
  
Sirius stroked Remus' sandy locks. "It's okay. someone will do something equally or more stupid tomorrow. and they will forgot all about this! Besides. we can be bad men. together!"  
  
"Oh Siri!" Remus cooed.  
  
"There, there Poppet," comforted Sirius. "You scurry into the room, figure out how we're going to get new, better watches.and brides too. I'll talk to Lily and then we'll.comfort each other."  
  
"Gee, Sirius. That sounds swell," answered Remus tearfully. Sirius patted his head again and sent Remus whirling into his rooms.  
  
Sirius wandered into the Gryffindor tower after him and headed into the common room to the sounds of youthful laughter.  
  
In the Boys dorm:  
  
Remus flopped onto his bed. Peter was still sulking.  
  
"So? Are you married to your stupid. girls?!"  
  
"No." Remus brooded.  
  
"NO!" Peter's face brightened. "You're. not married?!"  
  
"Go to hell Peter."  
  
"Well," Peter huffed. "FINE! If you need me.. I'm going to the basement. WITH MY FONDUE POT!"  
  
"I DON'T CARE!!"  
  
Peter scampered out of the room.  
  
Remus was alone again. He slowly found the courage to take the Russian Bride magazine back out. He took out his pink highlighter and flipped to the first page.  
  
ONE RUSSIAN BRIDE/ 18 YEARS OLD/ SPEAKS FLUENT RUSSIAN/ HASN'T EATEN IN THREE WEEKS/ LOOKIN FOR LOVE  
  
Remus poised his highlighter over the ad. Looks promising, he thought to himself. But there was no picture.  
  
"Sorry, Tatiana," he mumbled. "No picture, no green card."  
  
James Potter Cam:  
  
The Invisibility Cloak sure did the trick, decided James as he wandered up to the Gryffindor tower. It would have been easy to find even if he was blind. Just follow the sounds of childlike laughter.  
  
He whispered the password to the Fat Lady and entered. He immediately wished he hadn't.  
  
Lily was on the couch, sobbing, the knife lay forgotten on the floor. The stereo was on and the Indigo Girls could barely be heard. However, various students were gathered around the wall, laughing in youthful abandon.  
  
James approached the wall ominously.  
  
Sirius Black Cam:  
  
Sirius took one look at the picture on the wall and burst out laughing. He knew how to make his Remi-bear feel better.  
  
He raced up to the dorm and smashed the door open. Remus quickly concealed his Mail Order Brides Weekly.  
  
Remus didn't want Sirius to know he was looking again. so soon. He was so ashamed.  
  
"Yes, Sirius," Remus asked innocently.  
  
Sirius wasted no time with foreplay. "You have to come. Now," instructed Sirius as he guided Remus with his hand.  
  
"But Siry.I can't.not now! I'm almost done!" protested Remus, glancing longingly at his Mail Order Brides Weekly catalog. "Besides, we are wounded and must nurse each other!"  
  
"As a Marauder and as a man.you have to see this," said Sirius gloomily. "Besides, the nursing can happen later!"  
  
"Will I regret it?"  
  
"Most certainly," Sirius confirmed, "It's down in the common room. And don't worry. after this. EVERYONE will have forgotten about our little Russian Bride mishap!"  
  
"What is it?" asked Remus, as they were half way down the stairs. Then he saw IT.  
  
"Oh God!" he shrieked as he gazed upon the sight that was the common room. "What calamity could have caused this grief?"  
  
Then he understood.  
  
There were yellow throw pillows on the red couch. It was a fashion emergency!  
  
"Who did this?" he asked angrily.  
  
Sirius sighed. "Not the couch, dumbass. THAT!" He pointed to the front wall of the room. It had a large photograph of something red and waving.  
  
"What is it?" Remus asked. He noticed the whole Tower had come out to goggle at it. Lily Evans was weeping loudly on the couch. Sirius went over to her, Remus followed, knocking aside the offending pillows.  
  
"Lily." began Sirius. Remus almost felt bad about everything they had been putting the poor girl through  
  
Remus studied the photo and let out a youthful chuckle. "That's bloody hysterical! Who's the idiot wearing a lobster suit and giving a seductive pose to the camera? Why are they tied to a bed post with the Slytherin colors?" He laughed again. "Who would do such a stupid thing?"  
  
There was a long silence. James knew it was time for a confession. He removed the cloak and faced his peers. James Potter raised his hand, "I. can explain!"  
  
Lily wept louder. Fucking socialists.  
  
"What.? What is this madness?" asked Remus, it had been a long couple of days.  
  
"It's." James voice broke, "Lobsterphila!"  
  
In Prague:  
  
"Monopoly!" shrieked Dumbledore. "Retreat once more, Black Lord. The forces of good have triumphed once more!"  
  
Voldemort shrugged in defeat. "I knew I should have bought Tennessee."  
  
He climbed on to his tiger and flew off into the night.  
  
"Until next week, Dumby!" Voldie crackled. "Twister! My place!"  
  
Dumbledore waved back, "J'aime faire du possions sur le mar mortee!"  
  
FIN  
  
(A/N-WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! After serious editing mistakes and.Indian music.and Lindsey and Sarah's stupidity.IT'S DONE! OUR FIRST COMPLETE FIC! WORD TO OUR MOTHERS!  
  
Oh yea! And. do we like reviews? Does Angel brood? YES!!!!!!  
REVIEW! 


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